11. NYC or SF? A love letter.
People often ask me which city I prefer more — NYC or SF?
It’s so tough to pick because each of these cities happened to me at the right time — they gave me what I was deeply seeking, at that moment in time.
When I came to SF, I was just about beginning my process of self awareness. Fear of abandonment and incompetency were so heightened.
Far from beginning my healing journey, suicide was an option on the table. It’s so hard for many of my friends to fathom, that my sunshiney self could go to such a dark place. I’m not sure where I got the courage from (the suicide hotline training was a big influence, I think), but I was vulnerable enough to tell my best friends what exactly was happening in my mind everyday. They convinced me to take a one way ticket to SF to live with them for a few weeks (that lasted 2 years!).
They listened. Every single time. Without feeling the need to “solve” my problem. My dearest friends dealt with a very dark/insecure version of me (I’m sorry I was so shitty at times) and gave me heaps of love along with occasional nudges to help me look at opportunities for growth. Didn’t force me to instantly get better, but gave me the assurance that I’d heal with time. Helped me understand that I can choose joy whenever I want to. Humans are so awesome.
California lifted me with it’s light. When I had just moved, I could barely get myself out of the bed in the mornings. Depression really sucks you in, no matter how strong you want to be. There was literally only one thing on my to do list every day — watch the sunset. That was my only goal for the day. It got me out of bed, motivated me to get dressed enough to get out of the house, helped me get lighter. I just felt better having done it every single day for a whole year. Alamo square will have the most special place in my heart forever.
Eternal gratitude to the beautiful Sun for literally saving my life. For unconditional light, warmth and love every single day. I love you so much.
The mountains just shifted me as a person. They woke me up — it’s like I was seeing more dimensions that my brain couldn’t see before. There’s beauty and joy everywhere I look. It’s like I was wearing 3D glasses (I guess it’s like an acid trip) — i just GOT IT — we’re all ONE. I went all in. Decided to be in the mountains every weekend — did at least 2+ huge hikes every month — hug the trees, kiss the rocks. I honestly have tears in my eyes sometimes, that I have the opportunity to experience this oneness. I now have the honor to organize hikes for friends (who honor my process and hype me up) and experience this joy multifold.
After this initial dose of feeling the oneness, I just knew deeply that there was more to life than external influences of happiness. I was seeking/in the field to a deeper way of living and boom..I met a kind human, who asked me to go on a meditation retreat with him the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. The relationship brought all my deepest darkest insecurities to the surface (it ended as quickly as it started) and what was supposed to be a one week long retreat, which is now my way of living, helped me become deeply aware and help me start the process of healing from lifelong trauma/patterns. My teacher and the sangha helped me break from a surface level living to a deeper, intentional and loving way of being. For the first time in my life, I felt unconditionally loved by someone, without feeling like they were going to abandon me (because I love myself!). I have this renewed sense of clarity on what’s real and isn’t. I’ve connected with my divine feminine, it feels so beautiful to be a woman and feel so loving and powerful at the same time. I have the confidence to speak my truth and stand in it, but also the softness to listen more and change my perspective. I’m learning to flow more. I’ve healed enough to taste the BLISS — so excited to unpack the truest potential of myself.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life. And it comes from deep within. Which is why, I feel really good about moving back to NYC. I know that I can’t let a place affect my state of happiness. I’m at home with myself. But I know it’ll be a journey and I’m ready for this next phase of growth.
I love all of you, California.
